just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just high enough for therapy.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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