I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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