omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
