Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
