The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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