Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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