listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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