I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
