i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
