It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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