you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
