Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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