Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
