also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Quick, to the slutcave!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
