every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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