so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
