Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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