There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
