I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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