how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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