Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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