Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
