the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
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No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
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I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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