This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
