I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
