Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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