You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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