Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i will never coherently bang her
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
