Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
