I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What happened to fro yo and sex?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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