someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
