haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Randomize
