Non-Jews are for practice
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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