I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
