I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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