My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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