Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
