My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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