I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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