apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
