i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
