She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
