Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
