he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
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I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
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Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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