HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
