3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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