i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
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