I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
