we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
