i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
