Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
