if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
