3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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