We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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