she was so not down for the gang bang
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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