Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
