I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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