I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
