This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
