yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
