the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
