Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
