Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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